Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
