Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
