I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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