I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
