We won't sleep together?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
