Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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