I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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