i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
