I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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