if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
