____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
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i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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