Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
