I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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