Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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