i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
