Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
