I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
