my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i will never coherently bang her
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
