After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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