what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
