i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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