last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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