Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
