we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
