Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
