Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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