Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
