i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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