I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
