I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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