Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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