she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
