did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
