Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize