1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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