im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
