if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I cut my penus on the lid.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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