my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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