I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
