The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
