i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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