and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
