Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
