Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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