i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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