at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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