just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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