hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
