Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My penis needs a shock collar
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
