My friends, they love my intelligence
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
