My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
