i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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