It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
my liver is dry heaving
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
