So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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